Red heart black…
A friend recently told me that I’m naïve. I don’t think I am--I’m hopeful.
I inherited my mother’s big heart. When I was in high school, my house was the place for broken people. My friends would come over and stay, sometimes for months, because they knew my mom would keep them safe. She’d make them feel safe.
I’m the same way. If I see anyone down and out, I want to help them. I don’t do it for approval or acceptance--I genuinely want to help.
I look at the world the same genuine way. I want to believe that people are good. I know what people are though, but I can still hope. When I meet someone for the first time, I look at them as if they’re my best friend. As time passes, they either stay that way, or don’t. This is why I’m not naïve. I’m only warm and open until someone gives me a reason to be otherwise.
When I was fresh out of high school, I was unstoppable. I was the most confident person I knew. I was smarter, sharper and more talented. Then, the world got to me. I was promised things by people close to me that never saw fruition. I became weary.
If I want to make it in this world, in any realm (film, romance, art, etc.) I have to be a wolf with a velvet tongue, sharp teeth, and a black heart. I’m fully capable of this--which scares me. I can lose control. I can become an animal. I can rip someone’s heart out without remorse. I can make my heart so hard and so heavy that I’d sink to the bottom of the ocean. I can fuck somebody with such fervor that I don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve done all these things. I don’t like myself when I do them, but I seem to come out on top when I do.
My red heart is turning black, and I don’t think I have the energy to stop it.
I inherited my mother’s big heart. When I was in high school, my house was the place for broken people. My friends would come over and stay, sometimes for months, because they knew my mom would keep them safe. She’d make them feel safe.
I’m the same way. If I see anyone down and out, I want to help them. I don’t do it for approval or acceptance--I genuinely want to help.
I look at the world the same genuine way. I want to believe that people are good. I know what people are though, but I can still hope. When I meet someone for the first time, I look at them as if they’re my best friend. As time passes, they either stay that way, or don’t. This is why I’m not naïve. I’m only warm and open until someone gives me a reason to be otherwise.
When I was fresh out of high school, I was unstoppable. I was the most confident person I knew. I was smarter, sharper and more talented. Then, the world got to me. I was promised things by people close to me that never saw fruition. I became weary.
If I want to make it in this world, in any realm (film, romance, art, etc.) I have to be a wolf with a velvet tongue, sharp teeth, and a black heart. I’m fully capable of this--which scares me. I can lose control. I can become an animal. I can rip someone’s heart out without remorse. I can make my heart so hard and so heavy that I’d sink to the bottom of the ocean. I can fuck somebody with such fervor that I don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve done all these things. I don’t like myself when I do them, but I seem to come out on top when I do.
My red heart is turning black, and I don’t think I have the energy to stop it.
posted by Patrick K. at 9:06 AM
4 Comments:
at the risk of sounding trite (but feeling like I ought to say SOMETHING as I am, in fact, the fried that told you you are naive), just BE YOURSELF.
When I’m myself people think I’m:
a) pretentious
b) obnoxious
c) boisterous
d) all of the above
or, you know, they think you ooze sexuality... maybe just my mom
Patrick, when I read this, I just had to comment; I hope you will forgive my forwardness, but I consider you to be someone very special because you have been so kind to my daughter, and I regard you most highly. I have to tell you: We are all complex creatures and have many facets to our personality. Please don't continue to think that you will find success in life by believing you have to be a wolf with a velvet tongue, sharp teeth, and a black heart. Deal with people as they present themselves to you. I've found that most people tell you who they are, if you just give them the chance. You will never go wrong by treating people as you would want to be treated. They may prove to you that they don't deserve such treatment, but treating everyone with dignity and respect will take you much further in life than the black heart approach. I promise! You are young; stay wonderful. And what people call "pretentiousness" is your own self-respect and dignity. (It's what I consider your sex appeal!)
Anonymously,
Amber's mom
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